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Husband, I hope you step on a Lego. (Nothing Personal.)

Dear Husband,

Hi. Remember this morning how I told you I fixed your lunch, and I had to leave early to get Cinderella, as today was an early out? I know you had to go fix your license place light because, thankfully, the cop that pulled you over gave you a warning and told you to fix that rust bucket. So, I’m glad you fixed that, honestly I am.

The fact that I told you on your way out the door, that I wouldn’t be home when you left for work, so don’t forget your lunch, probably made you kinda annoyed with me.  I get it.  I repeat myself a lot.  Only on weird days like this, sure, because it’s out of the routine for me, so I annoy myself (a lot) and repeat crap to myself (a lot). Don’t feel bad.

The note that I left on the Notepad app on the computer saying to TAKE YOUR DAMN LUNCH, was that over kill?

Because, I want to know…

WHY THE HELL DID I WALK INTO THE HOUSE AND SEE YOUR LUNCH STILL ON THE COFFEE TABLE?

The Second Time I Almost Got Kidnapped…

It occurred to me last night that I have never really wrote down that I’ve almost been kidnapped.  Twice.

Sure, I’ve told my husband the stories, but really in passing.  Like that happens to everyone. Little Johnny was almost picked up by a stranger today, isn’t that hysterical?? I remember when my first kidnapping happened.  Ahhh! Memories!

Yeah, no.  Not even close.

It started one morning when I was walking to the bus stop. Completely like any other morning, I hated the fact that I had to go to school… I hated the fact that I had to walk to the damn bus stop. Again. Didn’t I do that crap yesterday?  I mean, Gosh, *hair flip*,  Do they expect me to continue this injustice? We lived out in the boonies by the standards of the locals, but to be honest, now that I am grown, I realize it wasn’t really that far out of the city limits. I had to walk, like half a block to the bus stop, and since my brother had already graduated, I was flying solo.

My momma, bless her, is awesome.  She’d be in the middle of getting ready to go work, or having her breakfast, but she’d stand outside on the porch and watch me and make sure I got on the bus safely. Hopefully, it was to see that I got on the bus safely, and not that I was ditching.  But, I wasn’t that kind of kid so I don’t think that was something that she would even think of. (Shut up! I was a good kid. Weird, right?) I’d climb in the bus and she’d go about her business. Easy, peasy.  Okay, there were a few times she’d have to stop what she was doing when the crazy bus driver would drive right past me because she didn’t see me and high tail me to school, but that’s another story.  That bus driver was nuts.  Think like an angry bus driver that smokes. Probably weed.  Think the bus driver from The Simpsons but a woman, and mean and always angry.

(Isn’t weed supposed to like..Calm you down? That just hit me.  What the hell was her problem then?)

I’m almost 30 years old and still to this day, that driver was a person I don’t want to meet on a dark night in a alley.

(Okay, sometimes I did.) (Want to that is…I didn’t actually go and meet her in a dark alley and throw down like some weird fight club.)

(Wouldn’t that be hysterical?  Bus driver fight club!)

(If any of you bastards take my idea, you have to give me monies. And a mention.  And if it goes into a movie or something, someone HOT better play me.)

(If you get someone like Octo-mom to play me, we’re gonna box. Me and you.  Yeah, you.)

Anyways, I’m getting lost here. Back to the story:

One morning, I had arrived to the bus stop early. TOTAL miracle there, by the way. My M O was to arrive just as the bus was arriving so I wouldn’t have to wait.  I was too “cool” to stand around waiting for the bus  to stop. My mom and I had a total system, because the bus would pass and go to the end of the street, turn around and then start picking up kids. When the bus passed the first time, my mom would yell that it’s passed and then I’d hurry my butt up to the corner (*snicker*) and usually I’d meet the bus as it was pulling up to the stop. Anyway, while I was standing there I remember some guy in a suburban drive past me, and I’m, of course, off in la-la land staring off into space. I remember the suburban thing was blue and white.  (That’s all I remember at the moment of the truck.)

Just about the time I started to wonder where in the hell the dang bus was, the blue suburban pulled up in front of me. (He had went down the street and turned around and slowly inched down the road.) Like, literally an inch from my feet.  Think that set of any alarms? NAH! We lived in a small town, I just figured they wanted to know directions or my luck, they were someone I was related to that were wanting to talk. (I had family that lived on that corner. See? Small town.) But no.  This guy was a young, sweaty-nervous, Hispanic guy with a cap on.  He wanted to know where the golf course was. That’s what set the alarms off. You could see the damn golf courses from where I was standing! So, because I was second guessing that feeling in my stomach, quickly told him,”Two blocks up, and hang a left. You’ll drive right into it.” Which that was true.  Instead of saying okay, thanks and driving off, things got hinky. He told me to get in.

Like a damn after school special, he actually told me to get in his vehicle while he looked around. I did the most insane thing that I could have done at the moment. I got incredulous. (By the way, totally proud of myself that I spelled incredulous without getting spell check yelling at me. *snicker*) I laughed,”WHAT?”  (Oh my God, I laughed at a kidnapper. Such an idiot.) When he repeated his demand, I pointed over my shoulder.

“You see that woman over there on the porch? That’s my mom.  She’s about 2 seconds away from getting in her car, coming down here and you’ll have her to deal with.”

He took off.

I turned around and waved to my momma until she waved back and got on the bus.

And that was the second time I almost got kidnapped.

P.S. The reason I remember what I told him is because frankly, my family was annoyed/shocked that I had the balls to actually say that and I’ve had to repeat that story so many times that it kind stuck. *shrug*

I totally will pretend it happened.

Well, it’s happened.  The most awesome of awesome.  You really don’t want to know just how long I’ve been waiting for this book.  Okay, so like when she first mentioned it, I was down.

The Bloggess

The Bloggess‘ book has hit the shelves.  Well, it’s hit my iBooks shelf this morning…and am I a happy camper! It’s pretty amazing that I downloaded this book at 9am, and here at 3pm, I’m more than half way through the book.  In fact, the only reason I’m typing right now is to SLOW MY ASS DOWN. Geez.  I have this horrible habit of just simply DEVOURING a book (thanks Ma’!) once I start  reading, and apparently its true.

Sure, I would get all frowny when she would take a week or two off from the website to go into hiding and write, but I knew it was for the best. I had to..I had a favorite blog now! I had never in my life had a favorite blog, but after reading her post about the 80 body parts she received in the mail, I was hooked.  (Oh, go ahead and read that post.  If you are in need of a giggle, this is it.  Trust.  I’ll wait.)

Okay, you’re back? Wasn’t it worth the interruption?

Anyway, if you haven’t bought the book, do it.  Zombies will pass your house when the time comes because you’re an awesome person.  Truth.

It’s nice to know that someone else in the world had a family member that was certifiable to others, but down right adorable to you.  I had an uncle that, after reading this book, I know that he and Jenny’s dad would be the best of friends. (That sounds weird, but…I RELATE TO THE BOOK, DAMN IT. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. You know, if my uncle hadn’t have died in ’99. (Woah, morbid.  I didn’t mean it like that. I think I need to shut up  now.)

While, sure, my uncle wasn’t a taxidermist, he sure the heck did show up at my house  at the weirdest times with a carcass of some sort, deer usually, and string it up happily cleaning a deer like that was totally normal thing to do at 6:30 am on a Saturday.   I won’t even get into the time he gave my mom a goat to keep on the land she owned so we could eat it, like 4 months later on the 4th of July.  Dude, we had to totally feed and take care of this goat For. Freaking. EVER. (Okay, I don’t remember just how long it was but when you’re a kid, a weekend feels like it takes foreevvvveeerrrrrr..so that counts right?) only to have the  fourth come and go.

Well, my brother and I thought we were safe, you know? We played with the goat, fed and watered it, so we figured we just  ended up with a goat as a pet, as if that was totally normal.  That is, until the man showed up like a week later, and slaughtered the damn thing and cooked it up like everything was cool.  NOT. COOL. UNCLE ED! NOT COOL. Can’t say that the man didn’t warn us that is was a meal, not a pet.

For the record, I didn’t eat the goat.  I haven’t had goat since.. but I heard it was tasty. (Side note: I need to drink more Monkey Picked Oolong tea.  Because damn it.   I’m wired, and well, it is pretty damn tasty.) (I don’t think its really supposed to wire you but I’m weird, obviously.) (Shut up.)

Well, obviously I did go into the goat story. *face meet palm*  I still get crap over it cause I was severely bummed out about the dead goat.  (Again, thanks mom!) So, I’m just going to quit now, and go back to reading the book. You should read it too, because then baby unicorns will totally be found and survive and junk, and your hair will be all thick and shiny, and stuff like that. Yep.

P.S. I refuse to  tell you how long it took me to remember how to add that damn apple picture because wordpress is being an asshole and not working the way it normally does.

P.P.S. It was like five minutes..well, less than five minutes.  But still, it wouldn’t work.

P.P.P.S. Dear WordPress, please don’t get pissed off and delete this post.  Or, like my entire blog. Please? I mean, that wouldn’t be cool, and I’m sure you’d feel bad if I, like cried or something? Friends?

P.P.P.P.S. Asshole.

Congratulations! We made it to FOUR YEARS!

Dear Husband,

Congratulations!  You’re  the proud (better be) owner of a four year marriage! Can’t friggin’ believe it, can ya? Who would have thought it? We’re friggin’ adults, dude.  Like, old people.

I mean, when you dared me, and yes, you dared me to marry you, that our lives would have turned out like they have?

Sure, I drag my feet on a lot of stuff, but hey, so does our five year old, so that’s okay, right?  (That totally made sense in my head so if it doesn’t make sense to you, uhm…I’m sorry.  But you know me and you should totally have got that.)

You deal with me when I have the weirdest ideas. (I still think asking you to take the garbage out wasn’t that crazy of an idea. Pfft.) You’re a saint, and you know it. You fix things for me when I act like I know what I’m doing and you might bitch and moan but you fix it anyways.

 

Well, now you’re in the room and I feel all awkward, but know I love you.

Wouldn’t you know it…

Cinderella has been after us for awhile to go to her school during lunch and eat with her.  We mainly haven’t because..well…we kinda kept forgetting to ask when lunch was to be honest. Pick up at Cinderella’s school is more like a mad dash to your car in hopes you won’t be stuck in the parking lot for thirty minutes, waiting in line while that one arsehole sits not moving while his partner in crime “runs inside real quick”.  Yeah, that’s happened.

It finally hit me.  If I can use those lunches to get Cinderella to try something new, then it’ll be worth it right?  I went and researched ways online to get her more interested in food and everything, if that wasn’t crazy enough, I did something.  Something my husbands still shaking his head at me about.

Bento boxes.  Bento boxes, baby! How freaking cute is that?  I thought if I could make them cute and fun, well, those lunches at her school would totally profit me in the long run.  No whining, no huffing and puffing, and all is right in the kingdom. I scoured the lands (eBay) for all that was needed and eagerly awaited the post.  I have tons of little doo dads now.  While I haven’t exactly landed a lunch, okay I haven’t because little miss Cinderellas been in the dog house, They’re a friggin hit at home! Flower shaped sausages! Little heart sandwiches that are in like 4-5 shapes! The friggin CUTENESS OF IT ALL!

Hopefully it’ll work out. The good Lord knows I’m not going to be doing stuff like this:

Pic from: SocialGrocery.com

P.S.  Can I just gripe for a second on how 99.9% of my spam bots are on the page of my DEAD COUSIN? No damn decency. I know that they’re not exactly on there because I always delete them, but damn.  Always? Does it always have to be on that page? *sigh*

I’ve Got Nothin’….Well, Almost Nothin’.

I’ve been writing this blog for awhile.. While it maybe a bit sporadic, it’s still been mine. Something that no one can take from me, something that doesn’t need me to make sure it has socks/underwear/lunch for work…Something that doesn’t need help with its home work. Something that I’ve  been able to sit down with and have a cup of iced tea and some headphones and pound the keys for a few minutes.

(Make the lambs stop screaming, Clarice!) *snicker*

I had thought, at the beginning, that I’d be able to form some sort of reason for this blog. Something that didn’t have just random thoughts published for the world to see. Tragedy struck and my whole world changed. I went from a stay-at-home wife to a friggin MOTHER OF A 3 YEAR OLD PERSON. I went from being able to do what the hell I wanted, to diapers, potty training and all of that. SOMEONE FELT I COULD BE AN ADULT FOLKS! Time to get my head outta my ass…there was someone else in my life. Straight up shock, people. I’m not gonna lie. (Ask my sweet sister-in-law..I had her practically living at my house for the first week or so. Just being THERE so I wouldn’t freak the hell out.) It’s weird now that I think of it.  I practically raised my niece.  Then again, I didn’t have her living with me every day, every night, every friggin second of the day. *snicker*

I struggled with the change..hell, I may have even drug my feet.. but now? I think I’m getting the hang of it, I’ll just say that.  No one actually ever just *GET’S IT* Boom! MOTHER OF THE DAMN YEAR BABY!   Nah.  If they tell you that …well, I have an ocean here in the desert I’m willing to lease you.

I guess what I’m trying to get out and say is, I’m content.  I think I am finally content. I love my family, I love my weird..weird, weird life.  I am not going to limit this blog to just munchkin updates anymore.  I think that’s what I was struggling with the most, truthfully. I may be “The Evil Step-Mother”, but I’m still me..I’m more than that.. I’m more than a wife… I’m just more. *exhale* (That, honestly was really odd for me to write. To admit that was just…wow.)

While we’re still struggling with an addition to Cinderella’s  sibling area, that may be something that will be a bit harder for me to share. (Like the world needs another barren blogger…bleh..Who knows..I may spill some beans every once and awhile. *Shrugs*)

Now that I’m done with that, I’m going to go do some laundry.  Be jealous people, be jealous.


Tell Congress,”GTFO!”

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

Ok, so I can’t turn my blog black, but at least I can do this. END SOPA