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An open letter to my neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

Hi! You don’t know me, really,  but we’ve been living near you for almost a year now. I just thought I’d say this: You’re ghetto.  I get it.  Some of my favorite people are ghetto. Hell, I understand that some people choose to live this way, so please, don’t be offended when I say it.  More power to you, really, for choosing to live so free.

I’d also like to thank you for stealing the dryer from my front lawn that was being held for my brother to pick up. (Talking about ghetto, right? Dryer in the front lawn?) While I understand it’d been there quite a while, one can’t fault you for taking it without asking, now can we? I mean, how dare I think that it’d be safe there from bastards that think everything is theirs, right? You see, a few years ago, my brother was in a pretty bad car accident, that completely screwed up his memory. He might remember, and he might not.  It mostly effects the short-term memory, where he’s concerned.  So, thank you for relieving him of that. Air drying never hurt anyone, now, am I right?

Also, we would like to thank you for putting up a fence to hold your two mutts! That was so awesome to see the other day when we got home. I mean, why didn’t I think of throwing up a shitty, cheap fence and throw my trash in heaps  on the other side of said fence. Ingenious! BRILLIANT! So, so thoughtful to us! We get to see all sorts of junk parts from your 4345.45 vehicles, as well as tree branches and piles of dog shit.  Awesome.

I know we live in the desert, and as soon as you step outside it’s like instant sweat, so I’d also like to thank you for making it to where we don’t think its safe to have our kid play outside in the front yard anymore.  Your mangy mutts almost took your fence down today trying to get at our dog when I let him outside to do his business, so I can just imagine what they’d do to a 4-year-old little girl.  So, really, thanks! Thanks for saving me (and her) the effort of walking out our front door.  I’m sure cabin fever is awesome this time of the year.

The music that’s  played  at all hours from your car radio is an awesome thing to  live by, really.  I mean, screw the rest of the people that work for a living, right? What, with whatever the crap that shit is trying to ooze out from your stock radio,  we could all us a lullabye. So, thank you for that! You’re awesome people, truly you are. We’re so lucky to be breathing the same air as you.

I gotta say my favorite thing about living near you? It has to be the other day when we walked outside and your daughter, who is what? 3?, standing on top of the cab of your truck. How liberating!

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One response »

  1. Oh man!! And I thought we had some crappy neighbors! Ack!

    Reply

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